Letting Go

     I've had some interesting times this summer although it has gone by way too fast.  I had a chance to work with some young dancers in a set design class, some preschoolers doing various kinds of art, and some adults working with mosaic and of course those few piano students who keep taking lessons during the summer.  It was an interesting mix and I learned a lot.  The dancers were probably the most surprising.  They came up with a lot of ideas and worked hard to complete their miniature sets.  The preschoolers were fun and either into what they were doing or into something else.  The adults were a little nervous but excited about making some new things. I loved them all.
     So what did I learn?  After all I was the teacher.  I always learn a lot.  I learned that creativity may take your students in different directions than you had planned for them if you are willing to let them go.  I set my plans but they had to remain flexible.  It is always that way when you are creating.  The work almost has a mind of it's own.  You think you know what you are going to do but as it starts happening things take their own course.  I wonder if sometimes that is why creative people fall under so much suspicion.  It seems a little magical.  When a writer talks about his characters as if they were writing the story, people don't get it.  Because these come from the creative's mind.  But to the writer it does seem as if the characters want things to happen a certain way. 
     When I work on walls, it is almost as if the wall tells me how to work on it.  Sounds weird but that is how flow works for me.  The wall has a definite feel and the paint slides across the surface differently than it did on the sample.  When it is working well the project happens with ease.  But if you can't get into that flow then progress is slow and hard.  Sometimes, (usually) the project reaches a point where it seems to have failed.  When I first experienced this it would often make me frustrated or even bring me to tears (and still does).  I have a patient family who often can tell when I am at this place and know that it is just a process.   Of course at times they don't understand and get frustrated with my frustration.  I have learned to recognize this place and know that if I just keep pushing through that answers will present themselves and the work will come to fruition.
    Oftentimes beginners will not push through.  They don't like where there work is going and they give up. It is hard to learn that even failure can make you successful.  We don't like to fail.  I don't like to fail, but failure can send you down a more successful road.   I think that is why Einstein said that imagination is more important than knowledge.  Knowledge gives you skill and a plan, but imagination opens up new possibilities beyond where knowledge can take you.  Knowledge can sometimes hold you back.  You see in your work possibly the lack of someone else's skill but you miss your own creative spark.  Knowledge makes us compare our work to others' but imagination will give sound to our own voice.  Knowledge says 'it won't work that way' but imagination says 'try and you may discover a new path.'

If you can do it, I can do it too!

I should be sleeping right now.  I am in the midst of a project that I am behind on.  It is my own fault.  This one my being rejected doing.  My mind was foggy about it, I couldn't see it clearly.  I didn't feel well, I didn't feel like fighting the war to create.  I couldn't get it moving.  I became a baby about it, I cried and stamped my feet and felt sorry for myself, instead of being a woman and doing what I needed to do.  I hate myself when I am like that.  When I do everything to resist the flow of work that I love so much.  Why am I like that?  Why as human beings do we run from things that actually make us happy?  It's a mystery.

This blog is much the same way.  I want it to be right.  I want to have pretty pictures, I have ideas but I resist doing them.  One thing I realized is that I can't keep it contained, so even though it is about creativity, the creative being that I am encompasses my entire self.  So whoever reads this will get my musings about life, spirituality, etc. etc. etc.   I find that many things cross my thought process on a daily basis and I feel like I need to include more of those in this writing.  Maybe some of that will encourage someone else to take a plunge or to look at something from a new angle.  I will probably even make some people angry or upset.  I guess I need to take that chance.

A few days ago, when I was working on a project at a client's house, she said, " how do you know how to do all these things?"  The simple answer is, "because I needed to"  and it is the complex answer also.   I learned from my father that things could be figured out.  He was always challenging himself to learn how to repair something or how to make something.  I had that role model.  My mother also was a creative person.  We never had a lot of money but she would manage to make beautiful things that were actually better than what you could buy.  Like the furniture she made for my cardboard dollhouses.  Bottle caps became lamps, matchstick boxes became beds and chairs, magazine pages; paper dolls, etc. etc.   And I had a grandmother that taught me how to make Barbie doll clothes and my mom and a neighbor taught me more about sewing.

Theater had a big influence also.  I learned to alter patterns for costumes and use large cardboard boxes for sets.  Along the way, a kindly neighborhood artist and signmaker took me under his wing and taught me more about painting.  I received a lot of encouragement.  I had a teacher that encouraged me to write and another who encouraged me to combine my art and writing.  ( I also had plenty who tried to make me create only in specified ways.  Their lesson to me was to learn how to hide)

In adulthood I learned to create things from other things to have the pretty things I liked for my home.  I work for poor ballet companies that have very small budgets so I have to use chicken wire, newspaper, and duct tape to make things like a giant doll head or a clam shell.  Large garbage pickup time is a great time.  So many possible treasures end up on the side of the road because people can't see with new eyes.

I read all the time to discover new ways of doing things.  I try to learn from other more experienced people in areas that I am interested in.  I watch DIY shows and devour the internet.... If they can do it so can I.  I have a friend that constantly is learning new things and she is obsessive about them .  When she decides she needs to know something, by the time she is done she is an expert.  Her latest thing has been about the business side of the internet.  She should be a CEO for some company because she is a visionary.  But I think she is only beginning to see the possibilities of her.

A friend that was asking my advice and help on a project that was over her head made me very happy the other day.  I wanted to help her but I was miserably sick and could really only look at what she was doing and make a few suggestions.  But she said later that that was enough.  It gave her enough confidence to say, "if she can do it, then so can I".  And truly that is what I want people to say.  I want them to look at the things they desire to do and not be discouraged because someone else is doing it, but instead to say, " if they can do it so can I!"

I recently was flipping through the TV channels looking for something to watch.  Their was a movie on about 3 women who were given a house to flip.  They all thought that they were just going to be gophers and someone else would do the work.  But it ended up being their job and they had to figure out how to do it.  From knowing nothing to remodeling an entire house.  Yes it was a movie, but there are many people who learn how to do things from no knowledge to completion.  They want to build a house, repair a car, build a boat, raise chickens, and they do it. 

We are our own worst enemies.  We convince ourselves that we will fail at so many things so we never try.  So what if our first attempts are somewhat crooked and not very wonderful.  It's the process, the act of stretching ourselves into something new.  Children oftentimes do that very well, until they learn to start comparing themselves to someone else in a negative way.  We need to compare ourselves only to ourselves.
We need to push ourselves and prod ourselves until we enter the flow of the creative process, whatever that is.  We can do it!
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Lessons on creativity from my Garden

I really think you can learn everything you need to know about life from gardening.  My garden is my greatest thinking and creating place even though I spend an inordinate amount of time pulling weeds which for the most part I like doing.  I understand weed pulling so much better than house cleaning.  I love gardens and I will go to great lengths to see a new one.   I like simple  vegetable gardens with their neat rows of beautiful produce even though I am not very good at vegetable gardens, I like gardens that incorporate creatures like chickens and goats.  I like fancy gardens where they espalier the fruit trees and surround all the beds with boxwood. I love well manicured Japanese gardens with their emphasis on well disciplined plants.  It fascinates me how Japanese gardeners work carefully to bring out the best in a plant, making small landscapes that are idealistic visions of larger natural landscapes.  I love courtyard gardens that show up in the middle of a structure unexpectedly, whispering  to me of exotic locations and mystery. I love a garden with a maze of bushes or a labyrinth for contemplation.  I like green grottoes that are dark and quiet.  I love cutting gardens with their riotous colors of flowers blooming willy nilly.

It seems a lot of my life has been influenced by gardens.  One of my earliest memories was walking down the long path to my neighbors garden and being towered over by the tall dahlias that graced one of the garden paths.  My neighbor also had a very dark green place where bleeding heart and lily of the valley grew in large patches.  I was fascinated by the heart shaped flowers and the place seemed magical to me.  My father always had a huge vegetable garden wherever we lived.  He kept tidy rows of vegetables, raspberries, strawberries, and rhubarb.  We always had fresh vegetables and fruit in the summer.  I spent one summer digging up potatoes which I sold to the neighborhood and used the activity to become strong enough to learn to bowl.  (I think my father used that as a reward so he wouldn't have to dig the potatoes) My favorite books usually have some sort of garden in them somewhere and of course The Secret Garden was one of my all time favorites.  I have spent my life learning to garden and still have a long way to go.  I desire to be like Tasha Tudor with her hills covered in daffodils that she worked in until she died.  I always want to garden.

A garden that grows it's best must start with good soil.  Soil that nature creates is the best.  Lots of well rotted plant material with a dose of composted manure works best.   I used to have Angora Rabbits.  Rabbit droppings are the best.  The droppings do not have to be composted and roses love it.  I don't use commercial fertilizers, I just bury everything.  When I am weeding, I bury my weeds between plants and let them turn into beautiful soil.  I keep all fallen leaves and if possible I mow over them into the lawn. My lawn has weeds too.  I don't like herbicide lawns that look as if you would mess them up if you stepped on them.  I want a complex ecosystem in my yard and I don't mind seeing the various blooms that come from violets, dandelions, and such. 

I also have tried to add lots of native plant life to my garden.  I want birds to visit and I try to forgive the rabbits that munch on things they are not supposed to during the winter.  I like frogs in my pond, a snake to stop by, even the skunk that passes through is interesting.  I don't encourage the woodchucks to stay around and luckily even though one passed through, none have stayed.  There are two pairs of cardinals that come every year, various hummingbirds, a bluejay family, lots of little sparrows and robins, mourning doves, and a few others that I haven't identified yet.  I want them to find sanctuary here.  Butterflies hang around, too and at night you can float in the pool and watch bats catching bugs overhead. 

A garden can teach so many things that are related to art.  Color combinations, textures, composition, are all part of gardening and green seems to be neutral of spring and summer gardens.  Often yellow green in spring with brighter green in summer.  Then there are the burnt oranges, ochre yellows, and bright reds of fall and the evergreens, icy blues, and soft neutrals of winter.  If you are in the Southwest you can see the brilliant colors of spring, but then the hot and spicy colors of summer. The tropics bring the bright vibrant colors to the forefront.  All of this can inspire your art work, from fashion design to fine art, to home decor.   Some people like the red earth colors of the south and others like the dark deep black brown of a well composted loamy soil.  Use those shades to anchor your work.

I think it is kind of funny when people say they want to decorate with earth tones.  Usually they mean beige.  I just don't see a lot of beige in nature unless it is the warm beiges of sand and soil.  The neutrals of nature are vibrant even in the depths of winter.  I don't know why people are afraid to use color in their lives and homes.  We can become so much more alive with colors surrounding us.  Warm, bright colors like orange and yellow stimulate conversations and make us more active.  Cool colors relax us and soothe us.  Color can do so much for our souls.  Don't get me wrong, I love browns and tans and sand colors and I have nothing against white as long as it is white that sings.  Pure bright white, or softly tinted shades of white can be beautiful, so why do we settle for builder's white and beige in our environments? Usually builders use the cheapest colors possible so they have no life in them. And why does everybody think a ceiling is supposed to be white?  Who made that a rule?  Use the sky for inspiration. Try a dark ceiling, or a pale blue ceiling, or a golden ceiling, or  use a tinted white.   Explore sometime all the possibilities of whites in the paint department.  Think about using different types of whites together.  Add texture to your white, or make it shiny white.  A gloss white will reflect various other colors throughout the day and end up being many colors. My daughter was shocked when I told her to paint her ceiling in her store white, but it was an old tin ceiling and a high gloss white made it pop!  White also can be a great color against a dark brown or blue or even purple.  Think of the bright white stars in the purple dark night sky.

I want to do a moon garden sometime.  What is a moon garden?  It is a garden that only uses plants that are green, silver, or bloom white.  It will show at night because the moonlight will reflect off the white flowers.  I just have a hard time holding myself to only green and white.

Everything about a garden inspires me.  The rich colors of soil, the texture of tree bark, the shape of a branch, the many geometries of flowers, the sounds of insects and birds , the structure and texture of rock and stone, and the quiet dripping of water.  The garden in winter becomes a wonderland of sculpture as snow covers plants and bushes.  Ice on the pond becomes an abstract painting.  I knew a painter once who did an entire series of paintings of ice.  She painted it with realism but because it was ice, the paintings looked like beautiful abstracts until you read the titles and you could then see the subject.

It is spring and I have started working in my garden again.  I have another season to add to my vision.  But a garden teaches the artist that she too is just a subject in a greater work of art, because oftentimes what was planned and what happens are two different things.  Plants escape boundaries, or refuse to grow in the place where one wants it so it has to be moved, or an entirely new plant springs up unexpectedly, or insects eat all the leaves, or a fungus takes over, or your dog decides to dig a new hole, and all these unscheduled events cause a garden to go beyond the control of the gardener.  Above all a garden teaches patience and a belief that new growth can spring from things that look dead.  If I could only do one thing out of all the things I do it would be to garden.

Possibilities...

I don't know why, but always throughout my life I find themes happening.  That theme will pop up in more ways than one until it gets downright weird.  I will see it in books, movies, conversations, with friends, street signs, etc. etc.  Since I happen to believe in one that is bigger than I, I don't take this lightly.  I am slow to learn and slow to respond, but I do try to listen.   So in this past week the word has been "possibilities".  It started in an online chat with a friend.  The word popped up.   Hmm interesting.  Not that I haven't heard the term before, after all it is kind of a buzz word.  But it stood out to me in a new way, kind of like bold print, or a halo , or something. 

The next day my son told me about a documentary he had seen about Herbie Hancock, a great jazz pianist, and told me I must watch it.  Guess what?  The title of the documentary is 'Herbie Hancock, Possibilities."  Now that is interesting, I thought.  ( and I highly recommend this documentary because even though it only deals with musicians it's theme is about creativity.)   Possibilities again.  I was reading another Mrs. Pollifax book and there was a section about possibilities...and tonight, again at the recommendation of my son I watched a TED video featuring Benjamin Zander about Music and Passion  and he ended the video with a statement about Possibilities.   (TED is my new favorite internet site...highly recommend it.)  He said that he knew that his job was to awaken possibilities in other people and to leave them with shining eyes.

I think that is my job also...over everything that I do.  More than anything I love to awaken people to their possibilities.  I find people are often stuck, stuck in believing a certain truth about themselves.  Maybe it deals with what they learned about themselves as children from the people around them, or the path that life has put them on, because no matter what life is stinkin' hard,  or maybe they don't live in the place or house they dream of, or the people in their lives have hurt and disappointed them, or they are just struggling to get by.

I also find that people who should be unstuck are still stuck.  I try to find creative people and environments to inspire me.  But oftentimes I am disappointed.  Even among people who are creative there are few who really dare to push the envelope past what is safe.  They do what has already been tried by someone else, they stay safe.  Maybe they stay safe to themselves but they still stay safe.  I like to be safe, I do.  But there is also this rebel in me who wants to do what people say cannot be done.  I had an instructor at college tell the class that he never gave A's to first papers by first year students, NEVER.   Guess who got one, me.  It was a challenge and I took it.  He just had to say that word, never.  That thing is there inside me and there have been many years when I have stuffed it down and tried to do right in other's eyes.  Ignored the thing inside of me.  But it pops out at random times and sometimes gets me in trouble.   That is Thing one.  (thanks Dr Seuss, I love thing one and thing two.)

Thing two is this.  I like to stir up that rebel in other people.  I like to help people climb out of their box.  To push  their own boundaries.  That can get me in trouble also.  And both these things make me nervous because I like to be safe.  I will state that again.  But those things,  well I live with them.  And sometimes they just come out, so if someone says, walk this way, I will go the other, or it has to be done this way, I will find a new way.  And I realized that those things help me push my creativity to new places.

I really like Jackson Pollack.  Yes, people can do his technique and pour paint and splatter it, (and it is tremendous fun to do it).  But he was looking for something new, something that expressed the craziness that was inside of him.  So he did it first and it was new and different and it was great.  He was a mixed up person and a sad person, but he still gave a gift to the world because he pushed beyond safety.

Life is scary and there are no guarantees but it continually amazes me how many people I hear of who have been dealt the worst cards  seem to live the best life;  better and fuller than those of us who have it better with more options  and I wonder why that is.  Maybe those people have grabbed onto the theme of possibility in their life and haven't let people tell them it will NEVER happen.  If I can grab on to that theme for myself and help other people grab onto for themselves I will be happy.  If I can leave people with shining eyes...
Benjamin Zander on music and passion | Video on TED.com

Cornerstone Church Mural Project

I started painting on walls when I was a kid.  I was fortunate to have parents who encouraged creativity.  They let me do what I wanted in my room as long as I paid for it.   So it started with stuff I cut out and taped to the walls or drew, etc, etc, but when I was in High School I got this idea to paint footprints across my ceiling.  My room was sort of a light peach tone and I couldn't afford to buy a gallon of paint to repaint it so I bought a quart of orange paint and painted my trim and the footprints orange.  Later on I added blue handprints and tiedyed a sheet to hang behind my bed.  I bought a pair of lamps for 5 dollars at a second hand store and made curtains and a bedspread.  It was my first full scale decorating project.

I kept painting walls, but never really considered that other people would ever want things painted on their walls but as I will repeat over and over again, creativity is a skill that can grow and develop over time.  Yes, there are people who have an open door to their own creative muscle, but I believe everyone is creative, some are just slower to discover where it is.  Some have had it stomped out early in their life, but everyone is creative and can grow in it.  I am convinced of that.  And my wall painting evolved over time ( although I still think the footprints were cool)

One of the largest mural projects I have done was for the preschoolers at Cornerstone Community Church which resides at Plymouth Bethesda Church  in Utica on Plant St.  should you ever want to see it in person.
I was given the freedom to do what I wanted and I wanted to do something that spoke to upstate NY and the wonderful creation that is around us.  So I decided to do a pond mural.  I research my projects, while keeping it childlike, I still want my creatures to be accurate.  I love nature, and wildlife, and the way ecosystems work.  This mural was so much fun for me to do.
http://s681.photobucket.com/albums/vv176/CathyattheRedDoor/Cornerstone%20Mural/?albumview=slideshow

Fighting with a tree...

It is spring and spring means dance production season.  I have worked the longest for the Leatherstocking Ballet, a local children's ballet company.  I got started doing this because my daughter was an original member of the company.  This year was the third time, (I think) that they did Alice in Wonderland.  I tried to get some pictures but once again I did not get as many as I wanted.  It is hard to photograph my stage work because I cannot always be at the actual production.  I was hoping to get my large garden drop, but they chose to use the smaller drop which was the first drop I ever did, (or maybe the second, because I think Humpbacked Pony came first.)
I like to use teenagers to help me paint these drops.  I like working with young people.  I actually like working with anyone who wants to try their hand at doing such a thing.  It is fun to help people create something, especially something big like a backdrop.  I have had interesting experiences with help, like the young girl who spent part of the time painting her feet.....with socks on.  I'm sure her mother was thrilled.  Of course I always have painted socks when I do a drop since I tend to wear a pair of socks while walking on the drop and at some point I always step in paint.  The rest of me gets painted also, I use my clothes for brush rags. 

There is something quite relaxing about drop painting.  I'm not sure relaxing is quite the right word, because it is very hard work, but your mind gets in a zone where it seems to hum along quite nicely and time flies by.  I paint standing up with either a roller or a brush at the end of a bamboo stick.  Bamboo works amazingly well.  It will split to hold the brush with rubber bands which keeps the flexibility of your painting instrument.  You can stand quite straight and you don't kill your knees or your back when you do it correctly.  The best drop painters can be amazingly detailed and exacting with that brush on the end of the bamboo pole.  But this world is changing also as more and more drops are being digitally printed. 

Alice involved quite a few pieces to be done, like the teaparty set.  There were moving doors, a floating leaf, rose bushes, and a tree.  The Cheshire Cat needed a tree.  It also had to be able to go through a door and be fairly easily moved onto the stage.  So using a ladder, chickenwire, muslin, and fake greenery, I constructed a tree.  Not quite the tree I envisioned, but it worked.  But sometime in the years of storage it got crushed and had to be repaired.  It was looking quite sad.  And I don't think it wanted to be repaired, but somehow it got there.   It is amazing the effects one can get with quite inexpensive materials.  The stage is truly a place of illusion...and lighting can change everything. 

I wonder often about the world of the stage, where ordinary people can become quite magical with the right costumes, props, makeup, scenery, and lighting.  And among these people are those who do have that inexplicable quality called talent that adds truth to the fantasy.  I love the storytelling and the magic, but I still wonder why we become so  enamored with the illusion and the people who populate it that we miss the real and true magic of people living everyday lives.  Maybe because we try so hard to perpetuate false impressions in our own lives, that we are something we are not.  Or maybe we need these people to act out these possibilities before us.  Or maybe it is just because the real world is hard to live in,  often painful and disappointing,  and this make believe world is so much easier for awhile. 

We work very hard to build a beautiful shell around ourselves, but like my tree sometimes that shell gets crushed and we end up being very lopsided and droopy.  I know I am constantly fighting with the tree that is me....I want me to be real and not illusion,  but oftentimes I just am chickenwire and muslin with the right lighting that makes me look good.  Instead of being authentic, I hide behind a facade, trying not to let my cracks show.

Creating a teapot....or my own personal rabbit hole

So being me, I tend to do many things at once or nothing at all.  While I was getting ready for my open house I was also working on a few things for Leatherstocking Ballet's production of 'Alice in Wonderland'.  I did not have much to do because this is the third time they have done this particular ballet.  But over time things get damaged or destroyed.  My teapot had fallen apart, some cups were damaged, a drawing was lost, and the tree had been crushed...the poor tree.

I did theater work all through my high school years.  Many of my friends were also involved in theater and several went on to professional careers.  I was onstage in one hs production, but my love is behind the scenes.  Working with sets in particular and sometimes with costumes.  But I never really put it together with my after high school life.  It never occurred to me that people are employed to do this kind of stuff so I didn't pursue that love any further after high school until many years later.

Children change a person's life, not just with diapers and care taking but by setting you on courses that you may not have had on your life map when you were young.  I really got into doing theater sets because of my children.  My son was a figure skater and my daughter was a dancer.  Both of these things involve performances and performances involve props and scenery.  One of the first really big productions I worked on was a big winter ice show that involved various things but the one I remember was the riverboat.  I really liked doing this. It was fun.

After moving to NY my daughter's dance studio did recitals that needed scenery.  I volunteered.  This began my love affair with duct tape.  What a problem solver it is.  These sets were done for very little money so often involved cardboard and duct tape.  As the dance studio grew it produced a dance company, the Leatherstocking ballet.  This is when I got up and close and personal with muslin backdrops and I opened my mouth and said " I could do one of these"  (Why I say these things I never know) So the next year I did.  It was for Alice.  Because the stage was smaller they no longer use that drop for the show but I remember it with fondness and fear.  There is nothing quite like staring at a 30 by 15' piece of fabric that you know cost a tidy sum and you have to paint a life size scene on it and you could totally screw up.  It turned out well and the next year I did another one.  I also did some flat scenery for another ballet.  The first time I had a carpenter to help me, but I also learned to build flats by myself.  I love tools...I am my father's daughter after all.

Anyway, I still felt insecure with what I was doing and I found out about Cobalt studios which has a summer intensive in scenic painting, so with the blessing of the ballet company I went and opened up my life to an amazing adventure.  I learned so much and had a lot of fun also.  Since then I do continue to paint for dance schools, and any other theater venue.  Maybe had I started sooner I would have done more in that area but I like where I am at here.

I think another reason why I like doing this is because I like to solve creative problems.  There is never enough funds so one has to learn to use very inexpensive materials to make the things you need, like newspaper, cardboard, and duct tape.  I also love children's productions even though they are nothing but time and work, it is an experience that will be remembered by those involved.



Watching the preparations for Alice this year has been fun.  I no longer have any of my own children involved and I am no longer someone's mother to most of the people involved.  I am just me, scenic artist.  I watch anxious and excited parents waiting in the wings, excited children, busy stagehands, tense directors, and it gives me joy.  Most of the people have no idea who I am when I walk by, or know that I am responsible for the setting of their child's production and I don't mind.  I just find it satisfying to see my work and know that I did that so that these children can perform for their friends and family and feel like professionals. 

And because of the interests and passions of my own children, I have added a dimension to my artistic self that I would never have explored further without them.

Stepping out of my Comfort Zone

I am an introvert.  Most people think this means shy.  It doesn't, it actually means I have an interior life rather than an exterior one.  I can spend hours and days alone.  I don't get charged up with lots of people around me.  It doesn't mean I don't like people, I do,  I love people...but if I am around people too much it wears me out.  I like my friends,  I like spending time with my friends, but I don't need to spend time with my friends to fill my days.  That doesn't mean I don't need my friends, I do, a lot.  An introvert can become too introverted and weird, and the mind does odd things.  But because , unlike extroverts, people can wear me out, I don't usually seek out my friends.  It's kind of like being between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  You need your friends to keep you sane, but if you are around your friends too much, you go insane from too much stimulation....Do you get what  I am saying?

A lot of creatives are introverts, we need to spend lots of time in our heads to be creative. But introverts are still a minority and not well understood.  Especially in this country, where we value extroverted qualities, and we encourage people to drop their introverted ones.  However that doesn't really work, so introverts can go through much of life thinking they are just not right.  They don't fit.  I didn't get this about myself for much of my life.  But then I started learning about myself and it opened up a whole new world for me.  I began to get myself.  Why I do some of the things I do.  And why other people oftentimes don't get me or even want to.

I found out that there has been research done on this when people started trying to learn about how people learn.  I found out that the introverted person processes information differently than extroverted persons do.  It can be mapped with brain imaging.  I think that is fascinating.

 I oftentimes have to act to be able to relate to people.  I am not good at small conversations...and I am not good at talking to people who don't talk.  If someone is silent, then I will be silent.  I do like to talk to people who like to talk, because I can respond fairly easily.  So to meet people  I have to pretend to be an extrovert, I have to work at it, and I always feel slightly fake, not because I am trying to be, but because it is not natural for me to put myself out there.  I like sidelines, observation, and listening.  I like to watch what people are doing, I like small groups....but the funny thing is, I really don't mind speaking in front of crowds.  But then I can have something prepared, something that I know and understand.  I like teaching, imparting knowledge, that sort of thing.

So I am saying all that to say this.  I am stepping out of my comfort zone by having an open studio event at my place of creativity, my home.  I need to do this.  I need to admit to the world that I am an artist, which is something that I really haven't admitted to myself.  I haven't done nearly enough, my ideas for art are enormous in my head... I consider my output miniscule compared to what I have ideas for.  But if I wait until I actually do enough I will never move forward in this endeavor.

Mosaicing ahead with a little detour...

This week I have again been working on several mosaic projects.  This is the one that I am working on presently.  It is a stained glass mosaic like the one on the heading of my blog.  I like the sparkliness of the glass and the brilliant colors.  

I also had an interruption in my projects with a request from my middle son.   He is involved with LARPing which is live action role playing and he had just finished a shield which needed a design on the front of it.  So he asked me to paint one for him and I did.  It was fun and I think it turned out well.

  There is not much in the artsy world that I don't like to do, draw, paint, decorate, garden, sew, build things, etc. etc, but I think of all of the mediums available to me,  mosaic work has become my favorite.  There is something about the act of placing piece after piece that is so meditative. Believe me the brain gets a good workout.

But for me there is more to it than that.  I can come close to the idea that I want to express...and taking broken pieces and making something beautiful speaks to me of redemption,  the possibility that all things can become new.  It also reminds me that each life I have contact with is not complete, but is gradually being put together into a work of art, and whether that work becomes beautiful or not remains to be seen.  And it also reminds me that we never have a whole picture, only parts of a whole, and so we shouldn't be too quick to judge based on what we see, because we can never see things completely clearly.

Sonia King, a mosaic artist that I greatly admire had this quote in her book and on her facebook page.

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." - Anaïs Nin

So in many ways, the process of doing a mosaic is for me a search for truth. Because with every little piece I glue down I discover something else.  And when I apply the grout and wipe it away I see something that oftentimes surprises me and goes a little beyond the vision I started with.

 

Recovering the Drive to Create

Sometimes I run into a brick wall and I stay there.  I cannot see anyway around it, over it, under it, or through it, so I just sit and after awhile the wall gets so large that I think I will never get past it.  I have been there for these past few months. Inspired, working hard, and then slam, the wall.  Writer's call it writer's block, a creative block, a life block.  So what did I do? 

I watched all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire slayer,  I read a very large book series, and I began rereading Dorothy Gilman's Mrs. Pollifax books.  Oh, and I sat in the dark and tried to talk to God....

So first let me talk about Buffy.  I know for some of my friends, Buffy will seem to be a disappointment, but let me tell you there was much about Buffy that spoke to my life.  Because Buffy is an analogy for the things we face in life.  Except in Buffy the enemies have faces that she can fight.  And I will also say that anybody who will give this series a chance will see so much profound insight into the human experience and to our need for each other that it will change them.  It is an amazingly well written series.  It is unique, and profound, and even though you might not like or agree with everything, there is much there that can be learned from this series about comittment, dealing with life's difficulties, friendship, loss, laughter, not giving up, and unconditional love.

There was one episode in particular that spoke to where I was at.  It was an episode about fear.  There was a party at a house where everyone who entered also entered their own personal fear zone.  The things they feared were real to them and were destroying them, but when the demon of fear that was causing all the chaos was finally caught, he was very tiny and not horrible at all.  The things we fear can seem so big and overwhelming, our worrying about tomorrow, our imaginations can overtake us and turn us into quivering bowls of jello.  But when we actuallly face them, they oftentimes are not very big at all...

I easily get overtaken by my imagination.  I can write in my mind terrible scenarios that paralyze me into inaction and cause chaos and confusion in my life.  It is creativity out of control....but if I remember that what I fear is often worse than the circumstance itself........well, then I can change in response to it.

A common theme in everything I saw or read was overcoming fear.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of loss, fear of gain....we can fear anything and it can stop us.  Am I totally free of fear?  No, I am often caught up in fear... but I remind myself that love casts out fear.  And I start a new conversation in my mind with good thoughts and positive conclusions.  Does that mean that everything will be cotton candy from now on?  No, the world is full of unhappy things, and sad things happen, but I don't have to dwell on the possibilities of evil, I can remember what is good.

And I can look at that wall and begin to draw on it, maybe just a stroke of a color, or a sliding of a pen, but before you know it, I have drawn a window that I can see through to the other side of the wall, and if I keep trying I will create a door that will open to the other side.