Recovering the Drive to Create

Sometimes I run into a brick wall and I stay there.  I cannot see anyway around it, over it, under it, or through it, so I just sit and after awhile the wall gets so large that I think I will never get past it.  I have been there for these past few months. Inspired, working hard, and then slam, the wall.  Writer's call it writer's block, a creative block, a life block.  So what did I do? 

I watched all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire slayer,  I read a very large book series, and I began rereading Dorothy Gilman's Mrs. Pollifax books.  Oh, and I sat in the dark and tried to talk to God....

So first let me talk about Buffy.  I know for some of my friends, Buffy will seem to be a disappointment, but let me tell you there was much about Buffy that spoke to my life.  Because Buffy is an analogy for the things we face in life.  Except in Buffy the enemies have faces that she can fight.  And I will also say that anybody who will give this series a chance will see so much profound insight into the human experience and to our need for each other that it will change them.  It is an amazingly well written series.  It is unique, and profound, and even though you might not like or agree with everything, there is much there that can be learned from this series about comittment, dealing with life's difficulties, friendship, loss, laughter, not giving up, and unconditional love.

There was one episode in particular that spoke to where I was at.  It was an episode about fear.  There was a party at a house where everyone who entered also entered their own personal fear zone.  The things they feared were real to them and were destroying them, but when the demon of fear that was causing all the chaos was finally caught, he was very tiny and not horrible at all.  The things we fear can seem so big and overwhelming, our worrying about tomorrow, our imaginations can overtake us and turn us into quivering bowls of jello.  But when we actuallly face them, they oftentimes are not very big at all...

I easily get overtaken by my imagination.  I can write in my mind terrible scenarios that paralyze me into inaction and cause chaos and confusion in my life.  It is creativity out of control....but if I remember that what I fear is often worse than the circumstance itself........well, then I can change in response to it.

A common theme in everything I saw or read was overcoming fear.  Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of loss, fear of gain....we can fear anything and it can stop us.  Am I totally free of fear?  No, I am often caught up in fear... but I remind myself that love casts out fear.  And I start a new conversation in my mind with good thoughts and positive conclusions.  Does that mean that everything will be cotton candy from now on?  No, the world is full of unhappy things, and sad things happen, but I don't have to dwell on the possibilities of evil, I can remember what is good.

And I can look at that wall and begin to draw on it, maybe just a stroke of a color, or a sliding of a pen, but before you know it, I have drawn a window that I can see through to the other side of the wall, and if I keep trying I will create a door that will open to the other side.